Facebook Faux Pas

Ahh Facebook. That fun diversion, that amusing timesuck. It can be lots of fun to catch up with old friends that you simply lost touch with due to geography or other life circumstances. It can also be a bizarre playland filled with people that a) you don't remember or never even knew who want to "friend" you, b) people you remember and never liked, or maybe even never spoke to, that friend you, and c) people that friend everyone, and I mean everyone - also known as the facebook "whores" (hint: no one has 800+ real friends)!

In this land of virtual friendship, I guess I am a bit of a dinosaur. You see, I do not see facebook as a popularity contest. I do however really enjoy connecting with current friends and old friends that I shared good will, fun experiences, and growing pains with. I don't believe in friending people that I was not or am not friends with in "real" life.

This has led to a few uncomfortable situations for me. The latest involves an old friend from years ago. I broke off my friendship with her very nicely, but very honestly, indicating that it was based at that point only upon shared history and did not contain the mutual respect and kindness that I needed in a friendship, but that I really wished her and her husband well (I actually got along better with him in the end) and had only good wishes for the development and health of their only child. I made it clear that I was done. In response, at that time, I received an apology via email. One of those apologies that reads almost like an I'm-sticking-it-to-'ya at the same time. Knowing that any further email or conversation would only open the discussion up to the old pattern of disrespect and arguments, I chose not to respond. Then there was the Christmas card. And the following year, the phone call, that appeared out of nowhere on my answering machine. Again I did not respond.

Now, Facebook. I received the email, worded creatively, making me laugh at an old shared memory of our favorite movie and one of its better quotes.

So here I am, 4 years, two emails, one voicemail, two christmas cards, and one facebook message later, wondering, what do I do with this message?

It is tempting to answer. But the reality of who we are as people does not fundamentally change. We can try to change our behaviors, but we cannot change our personalities. We are not the Stepford Wives. And yet the guilt I feel and have felt on and off since ending this friendship remains - usually when these contacts occur, and usually because of the unhealthy patterns that existed in our friendship.

I had no desire to reject her or hurt her. My assumption is that she moved on but now over time realized what she lost. I understand that, but my loss was not the same. It was like a difficult friend-divorce, and by the time I ended it I had already started to move on, but can still somehow feel like the bad guy when I get these pokes and prods from the past.

I wish her well, I really do, and especially hope that her son, whom I suspect was diagnosed with some developmental issues a few years ago, is doing well.

But I won't be answering that last email. Even though I am not "c) stuck under something heavy".