When a mom and writer discusses Olympic Tantrums, one can only imagine a typical toddler meltdown. Let's picture my three year old daughter having a gargantuan hissy over something terribly insulting to her, such as my demanding we leave the playground as gale force winds and lightning follow us to the parking lot. I can also recall fondly the playdate where she insisted that she was the winner at Candyland and threw down her playing piece, storming off to wail it out. These behaviors were of course followed by an immediate consequense, respectful apology, and reinforcement of appropriate behavior.
Civilizing a toddler is hard work, but my hope is that by doing the hard work now, I will help my child learn to live in the world later. I consider this part of parenting my right, privilege, and my duty to the rest of society.
Armed with all of this information, you can take a quick guess about my reaction to Ara Abrahamian's titanic and actual "Olympic Tantrum". Disputing a penalty, he angrily confronted judges, stormed off and then displayed what can best be described as the ideal "before video" for any anger management class. Once he completed the competition, he considered the Bronze medal an insult, and refused it.
My 4 year old witnessed some of the replay on this turn of events, and had a few questions for me:
"Mama, why is that man yelling?"
"Because he lost a game and he is misbehaving."
"But he is like, older, like a daddy-man...Why is he throwing a fit?"
(Pause)
"Because maybe he never learned how to behave as a child."
"Mommy, that is bad, bad, bad! That is the baddest fit! Will he lose a big privilege? Like no dessert or no TV?"
(Pause)
"This is a big game, and I don't know what the judges will say, but YES he absolutely SHOULD lose a privilege."
This of course lead us into a simplified and short conversation about the purpose of the Olympic games, along with a reminder of why it is important to be a good sport.
An Olympic athlete is revered and respected, and required to uphold the goodwill spirit and requisite sportsmanship expected for this worldwide competition. While it took a short time, I was pleased to learn that Abrahamian was ultimately called out for poor sportsmanship and stripped of the Bronze medal.
I then made a point to show my daughter the news clipping, and explain to her that the "daddy-man" who threw "a fit" got into "trouble" and lost his "privileges".
Thank you International Olympic Commitee, for doing what many governing bodies and businesses fail to do today: requiring civilized behavior of its participants. This is, after all, the most difficult and most critical lesson we will teach our children.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Starting the School Year with Special Needs
It is that time of the year again.
Everywhere I go, I exchange understanding smiles with other moms as we work our way through our August to-do lists, which includes everything from school supply shopping to staking our collective claim on discounted athletic gear.
If you happen to have a child with special needs who attends public school, this time of year also brings these errands, but along with that carries a mix of hopeful anticipation and trepidation about the coming school year.
What I have learned is that two parts preparation and one part collaboration really combine well to reduce some of the anxiety that a new school year brings. This approach also sets my child up for the greatest possible success. For the benefit of those who may follow down this path, I will share my tips with you.
1. Learn the Law:
If you research the NJ PRISE laws, you will come to understand what you are and are not entitled to under laws for public education. This document includes everything from eligibility for services and support, to the criteria for placement in the Least Restrictive Environment. You need to understand what the school is required to do, so that you can revisit, and perhaps modify, your expectations. Speaking of expectations...
2. Determine Realistic Expectations:
This is one short sentence but it is loaded with a hefty directive - and it is the hardest part for any parent. For example, Least Restrictive Environment laws may prompt a parent to expect that their autistic child in a self-contained classroom be placed in a general education class without a shadow, because they do not want their child stigmatized. A more realistic expectation might be to watch their child progress under current placement, discuss options for the coming year, and ultimately discuss options for placement. And an appropriate and successful placement in this case might involve a shared aide or shadow during general education subjects to make the day productive for both their child and the entire class.
3. Partner with your child's teacher:
I cannot say enough about how important this is. It is not only our job to advocate for our children but also to support the teacher and learning environment that supports them. For me this is a positive approach that begins at the start of the school year, but it becomes more critical in the spring when placement decisions for the fall are being made. Here are some actions you can take to partner effectively with your teacher:
Everywhere I go, I exchange understanding smiles with other moms as we work our way through our August to-do lists, which includes everything from school supply shopping to staking our collective claim on discounted athletic gear.
If you happen to have a child with special needs who attends public school, this time of year also brings these errands, but along with that carries a mix of hopeful anticipation and trepidation about the coming school year.
What I have learned is that two parts preparation and one part collaboration really combine well to reduce some of the anxiety that a new school year brings. This approach also sets my child up for the greatest possible success. For the benefit of those who may follow down this path, I will share my tips with you.
1. Learn the Law:
If you research the NJ PRISE laws, you will come to understand what you are and are not entitled to under laws for public education. This document includes everything from eligibility for services and support, to the criteria for placement in the Least Restrictive Environment. You need to understand what the school is required to do, so that you can revisit, and perhaps modify, your expectations. Speaking of expectations...
2. Determine Realistic Expectations:
This is one short sentence but it is loaded with a hefty directive - and it is the hardest part for any parent. For example, Least Restrictive Environment laws may prompt a parent to expect that their autistic child in a self-contained classroom be placed in a general education class without a shadow, because they do not want their child stigmatized. A more realistic expectation might be to watch their child progress under current placement, discuss options for the coming year, and ultimately discuss options for placement. And an appropriate and successful placement in this case might involve a shared aide or shadow during general education subjects to make the day productive for both their child and the entire class.
3. Partner with your child's teacher:
I cannot say enough about how important this is. It is not only our job to advocate for our children but also to support the teacher and learning environment that supports them. For me this is a positive approach that begins at the start of the school year, but it becomes more critical in the spring when placement decisions for the fall are being made. Here are some actions you can take to partner effectively with your teacher:
- Seek out regular feedback regarding your child's progress. Be careful to do this without deluging your teacher with requests. I emailed my daughter's teacher once every two weeks to request updates regarding skills and behaviors that we were working on at school and home. I requested feedback for ways that I might support her classroom efforts at home. I always sought out her opinion regarding how her progress might impact the next upcoming challenge. At the close of any email, I always thanked her profusely for her time and expertise. Remember, these hardworking teachers do not get paid any extra money for answering our emails at 10 pm! A little thank you goes a long way.
- Be Sensitive About Sensitive Topics: I occasionally called the teacher when the topic was sensitive. If you have to call the teacher regarding a sensitive issue, it is also important to maintain appropriate boundaries and avoid calling their home or cell directly. For example, I had some difficulty partnering with my Case Manager and needed some advice on how to communicate with her. This would definitely qualify as sensitive, as an email would have been inappropriate. I called the school and requested a call back to discuss the issue. This tip is always helpful as teachers are required to work in a much larger bureaucracy under the school board and can be very hesitant to put in writing what they might directly and comfortably communicate about in person.
- Periodically review continuing challenges and request recommendations for the right support and setup for the coming year.
- Choose the "hill you want to die on". This is a grammatically incorrect phrase said to originate from historical battles on foot. And it's a great analogy, as well. I went through this when a scheduling conflict made adaptive gym impossible unless another therapy was shortchanged. You can't always get what you want - but you must determine what is most important so that you can get what you need for your child (thank you, Rolling Stones).
This overall partnering approach created a solid relationship. When it came time for my daughter's annual Individual Education Plan review, there were no big surprises. In addition, when I requested additional modifications to the IEP, my daughter's teacher was a great co-advocate and helped to push those changes through. Since we had partnered so well from the beginning, the IEP and placement were like the end of a long and collaborative conversation between us.
4. Encourage a Roundtable:
You always have the right to request a meeting, and when it comes to placement of a classified child for the coming school year, a roundtable meeting is quite common, usually scheduled by your teacher or case manager. If discussion of a placement meeting has not taken place by April, then send a meeting request to your teacher and case manager to initiate the process. Whether or not an IEP is due for review, this meeting will and should be scheduled to discuss, agree, and iron out any kinks regarding placement for the next school year. You can brainstorm regarding potential teachers, and request that your current teacher review your child's year and progress with a new teacher so that things can start off comfortably in the fall.
5. Meet the New Teacher:
Do this with your Child BEFORE the new school year: Many parents I know met their child's new teacher at the end May, or in early June of the current school year. This is especially helpful when your child is moving into a less restrictive classroom or a different school that following September.
- If you cannot meet the new teacher before the summer, set up a time to say "hello" for the week before class begins. Most teachers do not mind a quick meet and greet when they are setting up their classrooms, and they usually understand the benefit of this meeting. Encourage your child to write a letter or draw a picture to give to the new teacher. This is a kind gesture and will also give your new teacher a hint about your child's current skill level.
- During this visit, be sure to request a printout or email of the daily/weekly schedule to review later with your child.
- Please remember, this is not a dog and pony show, so try to avoid pressuring a new teacher for too much information or assurances at this time. Ideally, your prior teacher will have prepped this new teacher prior to your meeting, and you are giving your child an opportunity to know where and to whom they will be going when they get off the bus in September.
6. Reacquaint your child with School:
Review end-of-year skills, but limit the time spent, make it fun, and give lots of praise. Visit the school over the summer to play on the playground. Do a drive-by, and point out the cross streets and school buildings. A few days before school starts, review and discuss the new weekly schedule with your child. Attend any open house or event that the school offers to orient your child to a new school or classroom. All children thrive on routine, and these reminders will provide a sense of security to your child.
7. Check in with your child's case manager:
Contact your case manager for a quick hello and review of the coming year's set-up to ensure that everything is in place for that first day of school. This could be a simple conference call to review some of the accomodations on your child's IEP, or your Case Manager may prefer to involve the teacher or any aide or shadow that may assist your child in the classroom. This conversation will provide you with some reassurance and peace of mind, while ensuring that all requirements are covered and taken care of. I usually check in briefly just before summer break and just prior to the start of the school year.
8. Take a Deep Breath:
Avoid transferring any remaining anxieties to your child. Visit the park and garden together in your yard. Try to relax and enjoy this hectic end to your idyllic summer, before that first bell rings!
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Sexercise
If you have been married for a while and are like most of us out there with a few children, then you have experienced the the combined loss of energy and fitness that often comes with typical life interruptions. And it is certainly understandable. Mortgage, career(s), childbirth, childcare, sleep-deprivation exhaustion, and family time are all bound to combine and collectively shift our focus off of marriage and personal fitness.
The question is, what to do about it? We love each other, but we are TIRED, and yes, also somewhat out of shape - years of kids, mess, and mortgage, largely in reverse order, has done this to us. We were so tired, in fact, that a few years ago we decided to assign an arbitrary weekday as an obligatory date night so that we would, in fact, have a literal commitment to a romantic evening.
Which weekday, are you wondering, did we choose?
Garbage day, of course.
However pathetic you might find this, consider the following: Recycling is only every other week in our town and equating sexual escapades with the night the girls have kiddie cheer class just seems, well, perverse!
So Garbage Day it is...
This solved issue number one, making time for romance. But it unfortunately did not address our fitness issue.
My dear husband has enjoyed a serious advantage in the weight and fitness department as his nervous energy keeps him at a mostly healthy weight regardless of what he puts in his mouth. He can no longer eat a whole Carvel ice cream cake without consequences, as he did in his twenties, but he can certainly pack it in. However, our intelligent MD was insightful enough to give him the speech during his current check-up about exercise and the desire to avoid a future of hardening arteries.
The only problem with this is that the most exercise DH has really ever had were a few fraternity puke runs in college, and his brief semi-annual liaisons with our trusty high-end under-used treadmill.
I initially tried everything to motivate him, from getting him up early in the morning with a glass of OJ and the news on in front of the treadmill, to giving him that coveted male "alone time" when he first arrived home from work to blow off some steam during his workout. I even researched gyms with company and insurance discount programs, to no avail. Seems TIRED was winning out more often that not. After a while I noticed that when I'd suggest a workout, he'd often reply, "I can't tonight, I have a headache".
The fact is, we both needed some motivation.
One afternoon, on the phone with a girlfriend who shared a similar complaint, I had an epiphany. Why not combine the drudgery of exercise with the promise of a romantic evening? Every night of solid workout equates to one really solid night of romance. Sexercise. Interpret this as you wish.
Try it, and let me know how it works for you!
The question is, what to do about it? We love each other, but we are TIRED, and yes, also somewhat out of shape - years of kids, mess, and mortgage, largely in reverse order, has done this to us. We were so tired, in fact, that a few years ago we decided to assign an arbitrary weekday as an obligatory date night so that we would, in fact, have a literal commitment to a romantic evening.
Which weekday, are you wondering, did we choose?
Garbage day, of course.
However pathetic you might find this, consider the following: Recycling is only every other week in our town and equating sexual escapades with the night the girls have kiddie cheer class just seems, well, perverse!
So Garbage Day it is...
This solved issue number one, making time for romance. But it unfortunately did not address our fitness issue.
My dear husband has enjoyed a serious advantage in the weight and fitness department as his nervous energy keeps him at a mostly healthy weight regardless of what he puts in his mouth. He can no longer eat a whole Carvel ice cream cake without consequences, as he did in his twenties, but he can certainly pack it in. However, our intelligent MD was insightful enough to give him the speech during his current check-up about exercise and the desire to avoid a future of hardening arteries.
The only problem with this is that the most exercise DH has really ever had were a few fraternity puke runs in college, and his brief semi-annual liaisons with our trusty high-end under-used treadmill.
I initially tried everything to motivate him, from getting him up early in the morning with a glass of OJ and the news on in front of the treadmill, to giving him that coveted male "alone time" when he first arrived home from work to blow off some steam during his workout. I even researched gyms with company and insurance discount programs, to no avail. Seems TIRED was winning out more often that not. After a while I noticed that when I'd suggest a workout, he'd often reply, "I can't tonight, I have a headache".
The fact is, we both needed some motivation.
One afternoon, on the phone with a girlfriend who shared a similar complaint, I had an epiphany. Why not combine the drudgery of exercise with the promise of a romantic evening? Every night of solid workout equates to one really solid night of romance. Sexercise. Interpret this as you wish.
Try it, and let me know how it works for you!
Friday, August 8, 2008
Juicy!
I'll admit it, I am more than a little intimidated by fashion.
This is not a surprising position for me to be in considering that we live in a country where style encourages anorexia, and at the same time names fashion products after forbidden foods.
Now, to be fair, I will lay it all out for you. I am a Land's End, solid color, find-it-in-my-size-and-buy-five-at-once kind of girl. I will not pretend to have one iota of true fashion sense. And after giving birth to my second child, I pretty much have resigned myself to the fact the "the girls" are not returning to their original neighborhood anytime soon (my goal has adjusted, and I am aiming for the original zip code instead). And I can, and do, honestly admire without much jealousy, my girlfriends with great fashion sense.
Yet I often find myself perplexed by the current fashion landscape. Here is just one small example:
I was recently at a summer barbeque with my three year old, doing the meet, greet, and yak that we always do at these events. One of my friends entered the room and was nearly mowed down by a mutual aquaintance exclaiming, "Oh my god - your shirt, is it Juicy?!?!?", to which she replied, "No, it's Cupcake", without skipping a beat.
Ladies, we now wear clothing bearing the names of things we wipe off our children's faces and pray will come out in the wash! God forbid we should eat it, but we love to wear it! And many of our fashion and makeup choices now contain names like "creamy mocha", "decadent", and "sinful". Blackberrys have arrived in Raspberry or Chocolate. Even hair dye commercials now boast that you can have your indulgence without the guilt, and mmmmm doesn't her hair look....delicious?!?!?!?!??????????
I long for a place where we can wear our Juicy and have our ice pop! Let's have our Cupcakes and eat them too! Let's Charge these designers and make our demands!
That's it for today. I need to go drink my black coffee and then hop on the treadmill. I'll of course be daydreaming about juicy cupcakes...
Until next time,
Jen
This is not a surprising position for me to be in considering that we live in a country where style encourages anorexia, and at the same time names fashion products after forbidden foods.
Now, to be fair, I will lay it all out for you. I am a Land's End, solid color, find-it-in-my-size-and-buy-five-at-once kind of girl. I will not pretend to have one iota of true fashion sense. And after giving birth to my second child, I pretty much have resigned myself to the fact the "the girls" are not returning to their original neighborhood anytime soon (my goal has adjusted, and I am aiming for the original zip code instead). And I can, and do, honestly admire without much jealousy, my girlfriends with great fashion sense.
Yet I often find myself perplexed by the current fashion landscape. Here is just one small example:
I was recently at a summer barbeque with my three year old, doing the meet, greet, and yak that we always do at these events. One of my friends entered the room and was nearly mowed down by a mutual aquaintance exclaiming, "Oh my god - your shirt, is it Juicy?!?!?", to which she replied, "No, it's Cupcake", without skipping a beat.
Ladies, we now wear clothing bearing the names of things we wipe off our children's faces and pray will come out in the wash! God forbid we should eat it, but we love to wear it! And many of our fashion and makeup choices now contain names like "creamy mocha", "decadent", and "sinful". Blackberrys have arrived in Raspberry or Chocolate. Even hair dye commercials now boast that you can have your indulgence without the guilt, and mmmmm doesn't her hair look....delicious?!?!?!?!??????????
I long for a place where we can wear our Juicy and have our ice pop! Let's have our Cupcakes and eat them too! Let's Charge these designers and make our demands!
That's it for today. I need to go drink my black coffee and then hop on the treadmill. I'll of course be daydreaming about juicy cupcakes...
Until next time,
Jen
Introduction
Hello out there in the blogosphere!
My name is Jen. I am a wife, mother, friend, chief cook and bottle-washer. I live in Randolph, NJ with my husband and two beautiful daughters. My blog is all about the joys, pitfalls, and humor encountered in marriage, parenting, family dynamics, and friendship. I will occasionally write about special needs parenting and may also share my viewpoint on current events when I encounter a juicy topic.
I will be posting every few days, or whenever I can emerge from my ever-growing pile of laundry, whichever comes first. Let's be honest, if I wait until I'm ahead of the laundry, you may never hear from me!
Thanks for reading, and I will welcome all comments.
- Jen
My name is Jen. I am a wife, mother, friend, chief cook and bottle-washer. I live in Randolph, NJ with my husband and two beautiful daughters. My blog is all about the joys, pitfalls, and humor encountered in marriage, parenting, family dynamics, and friendship. I will occasionally write about special needs parenting and may also share my viewpoint on current events when I encounter a juicy topic.
I will be posting every few days, or whenever I can emerge from my ever-growing pile of laundry, whichever comes first. Let's be honest, if I wait until I'm ahead of the laundry, you may never hear from me!
Thanks for reading, and I will welcome all comments.
- Jen
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